I feel like Jeremy

WHAT YOU FEEL MATTERS

I don't know you, and I don't know what happened to you. I don't know why you're feeling so sad. I don't have a magic solution for every kind of issue you might have, but I can start by telling you two things: 

One, that you have every right to feel whatever emotion you're feeling and that anybody who tells you not to be dramatic, to get over it, should go fuck themselves. 

Two, if you don't talk to someone about how you're feeling and why, whatever it is that is eating you inside will keep on growing and devour everything you are until there is nothing left. 

CRYING VALIDATES YOUR EMOTIONS

I can tell you from experience that the best cure for sadness is crying. Crying makes you stronger, and I am sorry if anybody ever told you the opposite. Crying releases toxins from your body and numbs you down a little bit - you feel calmer, sometimes even sleepy. Crying is a dignifiying way of keeping in contact with your emotions and validating them, which is majorly important for your well-being. What you feel is real and how you feel matters. 

If you feel like you shouldn't be crying about it anymore, I want you to ask yourself why you "shouldn't" be crying and why are you listening to those who told you that you "shouldn't" cry. They may be your friends, your partner, your family or acquaintances, but they don't necessarily know better - you are you, they are they. No experience, however similar, is the same: you have your own life history, your own personality, your own sensitivity and what doesn't hurt someone else may hurt you and viceversa and that's not only perfectly normal, but also absolutely okay.

If you feel tired of crying about it, if you feel like you've cried enough but still feel sad, you should take it as a sign that no, you haven't cried enough. Your brain is still hurting and it needs time to relieve itself. Validate the needs of your brain and leave the shame behind: in case you're crying because someone hurt you and you feel like you'd make them "win" if you cried, just remember that the only way you could ever be a loser, is by losing yourself. Listen to your needs, who cares about what other people might think! Who's a bigger loser, someone who hurts others or someone who feels the need to cry because they are hurt?

And if you're having a hard time starting to cry, I recommend sitting or laying down somewhere dark, with your eyes closed and earphones in your ears. Choose some very sad songs or melodies, fully dive into how you're feeling and why and let it all out. I can promise you it works so much better than keeping that pain in all day. Think of it as a poison slowly intoxicating every inch of your body: crying makes portions of that poison exit your body. 

MEDICATIONS ARE HELPFUL

Now, this may be obvious, but if you can afford it, do consider therapy and medications if needed. If side effects of meds are what's scaring you, know there is a long list of meds with different active ingredients that you could try, not all give side effects and if they do, you can talk to your doctor about it and take precautions or change medication, it takes a bit of patience to find the right one. 

Medications won't cure your depression or anxiety or whatever difficulty you might have, but they will help you deal with life more easily the same way crutches help you walk in case you've hurt your foot and you need some support while you wait for it to heal. 

Maybe you've thought about taking medications but you are scared of it because of the social stigma: that's okay. Taking medications for your brain doesn't make you weak. Would you consider someone with diabetes weak because they need medicines to keep it under control? Of course not. The same thing goes for your brain. Everybody has a part or parts of their body that need more support, yours happens to be the brain. There's nothing more to that, so leave the shame behind.

THERAPY DOES HELP

If everyone went to therapy (even those who proudly say they don't need it), we would all know how to deal with personal issues in a healthy way and, as a consequence, we would stop subjecting others to hurt and trauma, even if involuntarily... don't you think? I personally admire anyone who wants to go to therapy, either because they need it or because they want to improve themselves. 

But maybe you've tried therapy in the past and it just doesn't work for you. Are you sure you tried the right kind? There are so many different types for so many different issues, you should look them up. Are you sure you spoke to a therapist that made you feel comfortable? Because finding the right therapist is like finding a good restaurant: it takes trial and error. No two therapists are the same. Reading reviews online could help you choose. 

If it is for the cost, you could consider online alternatives like BetterHelp. A quick Google search will help you find this too, there are multiple options depending on the country you're from. 

SUPPORT GROUPS HELP

While they are not the same as actual therapy, online support groups do work. There are apps, groups on Facebook or on Telegram - just look them up! Talking to people who know how you feel and what you're going through really does make a difference - it may not solve your problems, but it helps you lift part of that weight off your shoulders. Who knows, maybe you could also meet new friends. 

Just make sure to choose support groups or communities that are not centered around violence or hateful topics: you will never see a lighter sky if you're in company of someone who spends their time constantly trying to paint the sky darker, or who may want you to see the sky darker just because they do. 

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE WHO CARES

Talk to friends, relatives, people online, your teachers - I guarantee you there's always someone who cares. Keep trying until you find one that does and don't be afraid to ask for help. Sometimes people may not understand you are asking for help, but don't be hard on them: they can't read your mind and some may not know the signs. Speak up. 

LEARNING PSYCHOLOGY CHANGES YOUR LIFE

If you can't afford a therapist or even if you can afford one, I strongly advise you to use search engines to read about psychology. 

You want to understand why you're feeling a certain way, or maybe why someone else in your life may be acting the way they are? Google that question. Be curious, read, learn. Try to understand how your feelings manifest into your beliefs and behaviors, what toxic behaviors you have that you wish you could change and how to do that. Ask yourself questions, try to understand why the thing that is hurting you hurts you so much and learn about different coping methods. I promise you it will change your life. 

WRITE IT OR VIDEO IT OUT

Keep a physical journal, a private blog or a virtual document where you register your thoughts and feelings; it really helps to get it out and understand what you're feeling by putting it into order. I find writing things down by hand is more tiresome than doing it on a computer or smarthphone, that contributes to making you feel calmer. 

If you feel the need to use your voice, record yourself imagining to speak to a friend or someone you trust, maybe even keep a picture of them to look at while you talk. This trick has helped me multiple times I needed to talk to someone but no one was available. 

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK

Sometimes you may find yourself not wanting to talk and just wanting to think about something else. That's fine. Sometimes feelings and thoughts get really overwhelming and one could make bad decisions while under their influence. Then do something else: read a book, watch a tv series, listen to a podcast or audiobook, hang out with loved ones or play videogames. My personal favorite is The Sims: it projects you into a healthy alternative life that can distract you from your thoughts and real life. Try it!

See, it is not about avoiding your problems: it's about giving yourself a break. Just remember you can't avoid your problems forever, no matter how much you try to bottle them up - they will manifest anyway, and they will manifest in extremely unhealthy ways both for you and others if you keep ignoring them. 

The only way out is through. But take breaks from time to time. 

DON'T HURT YOURSELF

Self-harm has various forms: binge eating, cutting, burning, hair pulling, unprotected sex, reckless spending, reckless driving, ignoring your own needs... the list goes on and on. There is really no need for you to hurt yourself, you don't deserve it and you need to learn how to ignore the voices in your head that tell you the opposite. I know you may be hurting yourself because maybe you think the physical pain will help you not to think about the mental one, but know it's an illusion. The truth is that it will only create more problems for you. It doesn't solve anything. 

If you really want to hurt yourself, take a marker, a pen or a watercolor pencil and draw on your skin instead. Snap an elastic band on your wrist, scream into a pillow, punch a pillow. Don't punch hard surfaces. Exercise, draw, sing to loud songs, throw a ball or a pillow against a wall. There are a million ways you could use the energy you're feeling, and that doesn't have to include hurting yourself.

If you're self-harming because, in way, you're trying to ask for help but don't know how... please, speak up to the people around you, anyone you trust. And if you can't use your voice, write a letter or a text message. People can be mean and life can be hard, but think about your child self, who is still there, inside of you: would you want to hurt them? Would you want to subject them to the pain other people have subjected you? I don't imagine you do. So take care of your child self: they need you. 

You are smart. You are kind. You are important.

Don't lose yourself.

IF YOU'RE A TEENAGER...

If you're a teenager, I want you to know that it is completely normal to feel confused. Let me tell you a secret: the majority of the people you see are faking it. You look around and see people who look like they perfectly know what they're doing, people that like who they see in the mirror, people who look happy with their friends or in their relationships. You won't believe how many people bottle it up and pretend everything is fine because they are afraid of what society might think of them. Maybe even you may be one of them.

But let me tell you something: it doesn't work. You think pretending you're someone you're not may work for a while, and it may, but it will all come crashing down in the end, slowly destroying you in the process. The moment you explode is the moment you can't pretend anymore and may be so overwhelmed by what you're feeling, that you may turn to drastic measures. Please don't get to that point. You can still change so many things before getting to that point, things that could completely change your life. 

Don't be afraid to show who you really are in fear of losing the ones you love the most: if you do lose them, the never loved you in the first place and you're better off without them than living in a lie. You will find people with whom you can feel free to be yourself, but in order to find them you need to allow yourself to be yourself in the first place. 

I can promise you, things do get better when you grow older. You will realize things you used to care and worry so much about, won't matter anymore. Some worries may still be there, but you may feel them less intensely. This won't happen just with the coming of age, though. If you want to get to that point, you need to be willing to ask yourself questions and work on the answers you get. 

They say the first step in solving a problem is recognizing you have one. A lot of things in your life can get better when you change the way you react to them, which I know may sound like a cliché, but you really have much more power than you think, even if right now you can't see it. But I'm talking to you with an open heart in hope that, maybe, reading it from another survivor who understands what you're going through will convince you there's truth behind these words.

ADULTHOOD LESSON: LOVE DOESN'T BEG

If it is love that you're lacking, I hope you can one day cut the people who don't make you feel appreciated out of your life, even if that means being alone for a while. I hope you can start seeing all the good parts of yourself (write them down!) and that you can always work to make the bad parts better. You improve when you step out of your comfort zone, little by little, by doing new and maybe even scary things. But the thing is, the more you try, the less scary they become. 

I hope you can spend time with yourself and understand what really makes you happy and what doesn't, and that you start telling people not to cross those boundaries, ditching anyone who doesn't respect them. 

I hope you stop mistaking crumbles of attention for love. I hope you stop giving out love and attention to anyone and only keep it for those who are really treating you as an equal and, most importantly, that you keep a good amount for yourself. Be careful of energy vampires and one-sided relationships. Do what makes you happy as long as you don't hurt yourself or others. 

ADULTHOOD LESSON: FAMILY IS CHOSEN

And if it is family that's hurting you, remember that unfortunately we can't choose our first family, but we can choose the second one. Don't you ever feel guilty about cutting family members out of your life, because your loyalty is only for those who earn it. The truth is that you never asked to be born, but this life is yours, and yours only. Take control over it and let others live their own.  

Do what you need to do in order to protect yourself and be happy. If you can't leave now, you will be able to do it sometime in the future. Maybe you can get help from friends or acquaintances, or other family members, or associations. Learn about your options. 

The good news about life is that you really can't choose where you come from, but you can always choose where to go from there, step by step. Little by little. 

WOUNDS THAT DON'T HEAL

Unfortunately, some wounds don't heal, but there are ways to make them less hurtful, ways that don't include hurting yourself: meds, therapy, reading about psychology, questioning yourself and listening to your feelings... all the things you found in this letter, basically. I know you may be feeling lost right now, but believe me when I say you will be able to breathe again. I wish I could tell you it will be quick and painless, but I can't. Pain is pain, and healing takes time. How much time? No one really knows. 

Big, shocking events change us. You'll find yourself maybe longing for the person you used to be. That's okay, I've been through the same. But what I want you to understand, is that you can't go back. Whatever happened to you or is happening right now has changed you forever. You are like a broken vase - you can try to glue the pieces back together, but it will never be the same, and you'll only frustrate yourself in the process if you keep trying to rebuild it. So throw the pieces away and build a new vase. While you're at it, use the resources I suggested and build a stronger vase. I hope you'll like it even more than the one you used to have, and that whoever will put its flowers in it, will be worthy of you. 

You may not realize it yet, but you're a survivor, and someone needs to hear your story. You have the power not only to change your life, but to help others not to go through the same pain. You have the power to choose to be different from the people who tried to break you. Choose kindness over selfishness, and always remember that you cannot love other people if you don't learn how to love yourself first.

I know what you will say, "I don't know if I can, I am not like the others". You're right, you are not. You are you, I am me. We are all different. But there is no reason why you, out of all people, shouldn't make it. You're not a loser, you're not stupid, you're not weak. Step out of your comfort zone, little by little. You can make it. 

And if you squint your eyes, just a bit, you may even see a little bit of light in the darkness. It's the light at the end of the tunnel, and you, 

YOU 

can reach it. 

Alive.

I hug you tight 

and sincerely wish you the best. 

You will always be welcome here.

Waterfall